Musings

        

 Learning To Listen

         

 Conflict, inter personally, has been a problem in my life for many years. Having evaluated many of those conflicts, I can see a pattern in how I deal with interpersonal relationship conflicts. In many areas of my life, I carry my morals and values with me, yet when it comes to conflict, I tend to be a ‘no holds barred’ type of person. I let my emotions run away with me and in the end, I add to the conflict instead of helping resolve it.

  I believe in fairness, yet, am the first to pull all the punches and play the blame game in a conflict. I must remember that all is not fair in love and war but it has a much better chance if I remember to keep myself in check.

Conflicts are not always black and white but are fraught with gray areas that must be explored and understood in order to find a resolution and move on. Through self evaluation and having an open mind, changing how I handle conflict and learning from those serial conflicts will allow me to stop making the same mistakes.

 Actively listening does not seem like much of a best practice, but in knowing myself, I am able to see that my gray area in conflict is my inability to listen effectively. In actively listening, I am better able to ask questions that are relevant to the conflict instead of making knee jerk reactions to things that may be said to me or feelings I may be experiencing.

 The inability to listen leads to other difficulties in conflict; so in essence, fixing one problem will lead to better conflict management for me. Tiffan (2009) made a comment that really hit hard for me, he said “who knows, by implementing some of these strategies [stating the problem, analyzing the situation, exploring options, reaching an agreement, and then following up] you will not only be better equipped to deal with difficult people but you also might become less difficult to deal with yourself” (p. 89). While he was talking about more than listening, it certainly is about making conflict easier to deal with and in the end, I may just break a habit that has plagued relationships for me.

In the article Listening Our Way to Wholeness (2006) the author writes:

We learn to put aside our own positions while we listen, and to stretch our capacity to be present to another's pain and re-humanize the "other." When we listen with a full and open heart, fear and defensiveness melt. Both listener and speaker are able to go beneath their positions and defensiveness to discover the universal needs and feelings beneath the narrative. At this level we are able to build a bridge of heart-connection between people in conflict (para. 3).

In order to become more effective in communication, I must practice, practice, and practice. I have discovered first hand that avoidance, in many cases, does not work. Withdrawing from a conflict in order to accommodate may work for awhile, but eventually, if the conflict is not resolved, the problem will resurface. The simplest form of resolution is not always the easiest to obtain. 

 I have found conflicts come in many arenas in our lives, whether in the work place, standing in line at the super market, or in personal relationships, but it is in defining those times of conflict that learning can begin and new ways to resolutions emerge.  

Sources:

Listening our way to wholeness. (2006). Fellowship, 72(5/6), 23.  Retrieved July 25, 2010, from ProQuest Military Collection. (Document ID: 1168624931).

Tiffan, B.. (2009). Dealing with difficult people. Physician Executive, 35(5), 86-89.  Retrieved July 24, 2010, from ABI/INFORM Global. (Document ID: 1867686481).